My Rants

Saturday, July 2, 2011 - :

okay i seriously don't know why i'm so angry. it's probably because i know i wasn't able to perform last week even when the questions are exact copy of the real thing last year. now i'm probably freaking out but if the questions are from the real thing, it means i'm not ready yet. it means i have not studied enough which is true. i'm angry because i don't get the point trying to copy exact questions without changing a tiny bit of it. you may have your stand but i think we were just jokes in the exam hall when i have the questions tucked in my bookshelf not looked at yet. it really made me feel like an idoit because i worry about the paper which not the least effort has been put in to prepare it. hard work comes from both sides dont you think? not even the least effort was made to simulate similar kind of questions. we should be exposed to the same style of questions not freaking copies of it. going to exam is meaningless already doing things that no effort was spent creating it just pisses me off. the system i'm studying in infuriates me. i think i had already accepted the fact a person's dexterity is determined from a certificate but sometimes when i stop and reflect what i've been doing to achieve it, i feel like i've wasted my life. in what way is it meaningful when you do things which you remember now going to forget probably a few months after your major exam is over? but there's no way around this route. well at least for me. i don't see any other way except to get great results and hopefully then a good job for my good life after that. i abhore the idea that the purpose of studying now is to have a good life after but it's reality. well i guess the key to accepting reality is to like what you're doing which i probably haven't felt it. i haven't went with my passions because practicality rules. i hate practicality in me. and it is the system i'm in that breeds this pragmaitism in me. people that go with the flow don't have a mind of their own and i guess i'm one. go the other way you can be very successful or fail forever. i hate myself for not have the guts to try the unconventional. somehow i feel im not special enough to go against the flow and succeed. so im stuck. stuck in the pool of the norm. go the conventional way. slog your life through work then earn money to get by the day. i don't even have a dream and i think i'm pathetic. my parents think so differently. apparently adults think that it is good enough to just get any freaking course even if you don't like it and get a jb and earn money for your living. that seems to be the main point in life. i really hope it won't become mine but i'm afraid practicality will still win in the end. so i may end up as a stupid law abidding citizen who wont become

The sun is rising @ 5:52 PM

Sunday, June 12, 2011 - :

i am going bonkas. i havent known studying can go to such an extent and the worst thing is i havent been very efficient. i can't even churn out the energy to do my GP homework much less think about how to improve it. i really need someone to save me well knowing the only person who can change all this is myself. i've got to do it no matter what- by hook or by crook. somehow when i think positively so that i can convince myself to slack for a while, i do worse. i should really remind myself this: if i don't try to open my brain and study for the entire day, i'm going to die soon. two weeks left, and somehow there are things leftover everyday. getting quite sick of my daily boring life. tomorrow shall be a better day. i'm going to make sure i finish everything on my schedule.

The sun is rising @ 8:42 PM

Saturday, December 18, 2010 - :

oh man. i went to take the test for gp tuition today and i think i screwed it up real bad. :/ it horrible when you don't know what to write because you'll be staring at the lines and worrying about how to fill them with words. i didn't even have a single solid point ): gah. then there was christmas carols going on. wait. the singing was out of tune so i guess it can't be called carols. it was buzzing in my ears and i got really frustrated.

i need to come up with plans to save my gp. it's so frustating when you want to express something but can't find an appropriate vocbulary to convey the message. is my language skills that bad? i don't even know if i'm writing proper english these days. save me:/

The main purpose of edcation should be aimed at enabling people to find employment. Do you agree?

killed me.

The sun is rising @ 11:18 PM

Thursday, December 9, 2010 - :

The view from sky park was stunning, really. I was so dazzled. marina bay feels so posh and peaceful from up there. you can see buildings that lasted from colonial times, the new structures put in to accomodate the growing needs of tourism and the five stars hotels that belong to multinational companies. Though each building or structure was built separately, they seem to mash together to present to their audience a breathtaking picture. It is no doubt that each shines on their own, like the esplanade, the singapore flyer, but without the others they are not perfect. Was it planned for marina bay to look like that, i wonder. and was it luck that has the fullerton hotel gleaming right smack at the center? some things are just meant to be and not. am i meant to do something great out of myself? or just some small worker who slogs her life at some company? okay... that's out of point.

what struck me at the sky park was that everything has a path to take, decision made at each crossroad matters; there's always a choice but fate paves the way. i know it's kind of cliche but i actually asked myself where do i belong in this shiny, on the surface all glitz and glamour city. Seeing those people in suit and tie, i sort of admire them because they look cool working in the shiny world. i guess it is apt to describe myself as an immature kid on a visit to a castle when i was in marina bay resorts world.

so did this sky park trip make up for me not being on plane today? i don't know. i feel sad still. i reached a crossroad but one had fence already so there's no choice. so, i hope something in the holidays can make me feel refreshed and new before i embark on the path next year.

may it be great:)

The sun is rising @ 10:57 PM

Tuesday, December 7, 2010 - :

6 Dec 2010

I'm horribly sad now.

I shouldn't be looking so forward to going to melbourne then i wouldn't be so upset right now. everything's wrong both ways. I really really want to go but it's not even a question to raise if i can fly there myself.

everything just went wrong.

why? ):

and i can't accept the fact that the money is just thrown into the deep blue sea which i can't even get a glimpse of. the situation is just so wrong. i really don't know what i'm wishing for right now because wishing to go is just wrong but the idea that im not going to the place i've been so focused on these few months is just so frustrating and sad. horribly sad. it's the first time i ever think about going overseas u know. it's not a big deal to anyone since 'hey come on, you can go there another time you know'. but for me it's really a big deal. i've been so eager about the trip and it was sort of like my motivation to get PW done. this sounds ridiculous. but. it was. I thought this could be something that can make me real happy this year and i'll start next year without any bitterness since i screwed up my studies this year. i want to get on the plane and fly to another continent and forget this place for a while. i wanted to come back having the feeling that the bad part of my life has been over and i'm starting afresh as a new person.

i know i shouldnt be feeling this way but it hurts to have the pretty pictures in my head crushed.
till next time. i'll be there soon.

The sun is rising @ 8:22 PM

Monday, November 22, 2010 - :

i'm sort of feeling lousy for not getting it... hais. It's probably one of the few times I've decided to do something that i like though i had the feeling that i won't get it.

second wake up call then.

Being aimless is one of the problems this year and well... i suppose also disliking school life. screwd. Knowing what needs to be done but not working well to get it. ): ohs or should i say i didnt feel the need to do well for the year. it was only after everything has ended, i began to regret...

I feel like i didn't fulfill my sub-conscious expectation of myself. i guess it's the time to work harder and tell myself 'it's okay. at least this horrible year is over'.

The sun is rising @ 10:09 PM

Tuesday, November 9, 2010 - :

the bane of my existance is finally gone.

well... first to start off and earliest to finish. and it was real 'lucky' for us to get all the moderaters from moe. i was freaking scared until i was stiff and didn't dare to move my legs once i stood on that particular spot because my wobbly legs might just collapse. i don't know if in the end i have assured the desired grade but it was my best effort at that moment.

the same old thing happening at home everyday until i think i'm sick of it. i really hope that my brother can knock himself out of the lazy world he's living in and start getting serious about work. i know that he's not stupid but he just refuses to focus on studying. well if he's serious about work for an hour, i'm sure he can play for hours. forcing him to do lots of assessment isn't going to help, can't they get it? WAKE UP bro. please... soon...

i feel like im starting on a new page of my life after PW however ridiculous this sounds. my jc1 misery has ended offically. from now on, i'll be focusing on things that i've neglected and start packing my room(first on agenda).
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i want to thank all my friends who have been giving me support all this while, the times i were feeling down, frustrated, and needed someone to rant and talk the worm language. thankyou all very much! i wouldn't have gone through jc1 without giving up, without yur. love ya!

and to my parents: thank you so much too. i don't know how to tell yur how sorry i am for breaking down so badly so many times in this year. every decision made after sec4 was so hard and appeared to be so wrong. quarrelled over so many things like going ocip and stuff. i don't know why i've this sudden outburst but i think i need to work on being a better daughter. everyday was pw, study, hw and when there was time i just close myself in my world, this year. thank you dad for fetching my around west coast for my cca activities. and mum for all the housework you do and nice food you cook :D thank you so much.
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a new journey awaits.


The sun is rising @ 8:51 PM

Thursday, October 28, 2010 - :

me first.

i suppose all things work this way.

if someone is taking care of stuff, i can care lesser.

that's the mindset.

so, for everything that involves more than myself, be the one that cares less. what an unethical lesson i've learnt.

selfish i suppose.

On the other hand, the people who care are ..... for punishment. they know that they are taken advantaged of but don't know the right way of retaliating.

Point: i don't know how to be evil as much as i want to be.

screwed. i really screwed up.
i thought it didn't matter
but the self expectation is there
i have to start making choices
but i don't know how
i'm not receptive to things im doing now
and for things i'm interested in
im afraid to take the risk
i'm praying for enlightenment

The sun is rising @ 9:57 PM

Friday, October 15, 2010 - :

I feel sleepy 24 hrs these few days. haiz. want to watch shows but cannot find those free and dont need to download ones.

my nose is getting bad... don't know why a cough became flu.

actually, i don't have much to blog today. bored and don't want to go to sleep. and talking about sleep i slept through the afternoon after lunch. pig's life.

need to do stuff and apparently math homework. don't know how long i need to understand maclaurin when i tuned out for during lectures.

I'm still nowhere here nor there. I don't know what i'm good at and it's so hard to think of which path to take when i don't know what will really hold my interest. and to do something i won't regret.

too much regrets to count.
and i can't afford to make anymore mistakes.

The sun is rising @ 10:20 PM

Sunday, October 10, 2010 - :

im really hungry now. oh man.

i couldnt even find some instant food from my fridge. and the fact that i don't have a microwave at home means i cant heat anything without using pots. why isn't there food at causeway point!

gah.

for everything im feeling stressed and unhappy about, i think i just have to accept that it's my fault. i can't ever find people to blame because it's just not morally right. and even if i think someone is wrong/ bad, there's always excuses for them for being who they are. it serves me right for whatever im feeling because i think too much. It doesn't matter what i think though because it doesn't matter to anyone.

keep being invisible. (okay, i don't need to be. im invisible naturally) That's how i adapted, am going to survive on for the days i hope will pass by quickly enough.

I don't like the environment. The place, the vibes. It will kill me soon enough if i don't choose to live in my own bubble.

I don't want to feel/understand what's happening. I just what to listen to what's happening and be a third party that gives trite comments. be someone who is just absorbing the melodrama around me and not processing the human behaviour.

I have to change.
No matter how much i dislike where im now, i got to focus on my own stuff.

The sun is rising @ 8:38 PM

Saturday, September 25, 2010 - :

Everyday, every single minute there is someone in the world who is suffering, who feels like dying, who can't find someone to talk to, who wants to be anyone else except himself. i would like to pray for him.

It's so hard nowadays to go through a single day without being angry at someone unless i switch off my senses and find ways to live in my own bubble. To be blind. Deaf. Mute. Because feeling unhappy is even worse than feeling nothing.
--
On a cliff, when facing your enemy with a gun pointing at you, you have to jump off the cliff because there's a higher possibility of surviving. Midway to death you managed to grab hold of a branch and you felt hope. Human survival instinct kicks in and you struggle to find a way out. But if you still can't find a way and the branch can't support you any longer, do you let go or wait for the branch to snap?

The sun is rising @ 10:12 PM

Tuesday, September 21, 2010 - :

why are some people hateful?

oh man. bad way to start a post. i don't know why my life seems to be filled the same few things. things that are really really hateful. i am so desperate for this year to end and never in my life had i wished for a year to end. if i ever need to find a word to describe this year it would be torturous. It is torturous to see faces you don't wish to see. It is torturous to know of things you don't want to know. It is torturous to form perceptions of people (because human nature gets shallower every time i look deeper). It is torturous to tolerate attitudes. It is torturous to know that life might have been better if I'hd made a different choice.

because everything was wrong from the start, it is hard to live with it. finding escapes from time to time isn't going to help. And since i don't have the power to change hateful attitudes, i just have to go through the torture of tolerating it. And it is even worse when hateful attitudes appear only at specific timings. wolf/sheep's clothing? i don't know. Pretentious, frickle-minded, brain smaller than a pea, people rule. way to go man. they really make the world better.

Shred them.

And then there are the meanos. self righteous.

The world certainly welcomes more conflicts.

Compromise doesn't exist when people are stubborn with their ways and still think they are the greatest.

such a whim.

The sun is rising @ 10:32 PM

Sunday, August 29, 2010 - :

back to reality again.

YOG is over )): i really did had a great great time last two weeks. Usually when you miss school for something else, you would worry about your homework but i didn't even think about homework during the YOG work days. I didn't care at all for not being in school for lessons. I guess i finally understood what people mean by when you really enjoy something, you wouldn't mind compromising other things. well, end up i'm really lagging in school and nearly broke down last thursday when i did like 2 marks out of a 16 marks math pre-test. But the fact was i wasn't catching up with work even before yog. Lost the pace of working... worst thing is everyone seems to be 'hype-up' about promos, and i still don't feel it coming:/

what's the deal? -Study and do well to prove that i'm worth something.

I hope i'm coming back spiritually. haha. YOG was super fun but i don't really know why. Well, i guess knowing new people, camping at shermaine's house with cai, watching tv after so many months at shermaine's house while cai was the only one studying, walking to TBP, creating day pass, trying to get the printer working, taking pictures with athletes, ESP THE MEXICAN GUY!, WAVING GOODBYE LIKE MAD TO THE NICE NICE ITALIAN ATHELE, going yov to feel the party, free bus and mrt rides, getting cool badge from a NOC, shaking hand with Ng Ser Miang, looking out of container expecting the prince of duno where to come in from BOH for the biking event, watching the biking events at FMB, drinking so much soft drinks, using the disgusting toiles at TBP, eating mac chicken burger without lettuce n many many more things were fun. I'll miss them all because they are good memories. They say it's like being part of the historic moment.

yep. There's still a party on the 17th at Universal Studios. Can't wait and hope to see many people there :D

i should really get going.

The sun is rising @ 5:37 PM

Monday, July 12, 2010 - :

keep pushing myself so hard because i was never satisfied.

but now im afraid if you push me any further i may just turn off completely. expectations i blindly work towards may not mean anything.

can't i just live in my dreams a little while longer?

The sun is rising @ 10:14 PM

Sunday, July 11, 2010 - :

everything is in state of disorder, my room is the prove of it.

there's like this pile of intellectual magazines that i didn't read, stacks of 'stuff' under my bed. i really need to clear them by the following week. maybe then i can start painting the wooden parts of Eiffel tower and start building it.

there's going to be many important things to complete for the rest of the year. i don't know how i'm going to survive it but it's a must to survive it and to survive exceptionally well.

and i need to stop finding things to do that keeps me away from doing work.

The sun is rising @ 10:19 PM

Wednesday, July 7, 2010 - :

it's so hard to cry alone.
though it makes me tougher every time.

i'm so tired, again, for the umpteen time in the year. everything changed and yet nothing changed. everything i once believed in crashed and died. everything seems not important anymore. everything that i want to be became everything i gave up to be.

live still moves on. to believe everyone has a purpose in life to fulfil just sounds increasingly unconvincing each day. maybe the purpose was to not have a purpose after all.

what happens when you find that you're at the starting point in the end?

The sun is rising @ 10:19 PM

Thursday, June 3, 2010 - :

finding satisfaction in everything you do...

i guess that shook me out of my emo-ness or whatever that made me feel so down these days. my life is quite screwed since start of jc, have been telling people that a lot. well it seems like jc is a time for you to get to know this practical, cold world and blah blah. i guess it bothered me a lot that i'm not going to achieve anything great in jc. you just get the feeling that you don't excel in anything and your presence isn't important to anything. plus seeing many high achievers in your daily life is just depressing. it's the feeling that: why am i not good in anything. no goal, no aim, no passion for anything....

then because most of the time im thinking too much, i started to doubt.
what people did and what i heard of people affected me a lot. which shouldn't have. and i just learnt that i shouldn't be. it is too tiring to try to find excuses for people when they don't even bother in the first place, when they are oblivious to what you feel. it's kind of confusing but it's the best i can explain. people who are just busy with their own lives, who don't bother to look around, who think people can't achieve just plainly because they don't try, who just have too many other people that appear important, i've decided that they are not great at all. you can think im consoling myself, being bitter or whatsoever, but im sure im not deluding myself in anyway.

不再为别人辩解。不再去怀疑自己。i guess this is something i learnt from these months of unhappiness. this sounds like a reflection or something...anyway, i also learnt that 有些你不能控制的事就不要勉强下去，因为往往受伤的是你。 at times, you feel that you have been giving so much and you just want a little in return. you try harder, wait, give chances to forgive yet there's still nothing. so point is it is time to let go, really let go and don't care about it anymore because no one is ever going to pity you or be able to pull you out of your misery. face the fact that whatever you've been trying is not worth your attention anymore because it is basically screwing up your life. you'll just end up being unfair to yourself. and in this situation being selfish is not a crime, it is just a way to protect yourself.

i guess that's the end of my whole reflection .-. this will probably help in enlightening myself when i need enlightening again. my pronouns are all screwed btw. so anyone who ever reads this, don't be affected by the 'you' because it just means 'me'. just that i don't like using 'i' and 'me' because im more comfortable writing this in a passsive way.

say bye to sadness.

The sun is rising @ 10:16 PM

Sunday, May 23, 2010 - :

oh man. can't get into my neopets account )))): the stupid thing asked for my birthday and i cant remember the fake one i put))): sobs sobs. there's like over a million inside and nice nice paintbrushes and all those precious items i kept like since primary 5. goodness): many times it got hacked but i still got in back and now.... hais. ))): super sad.

is there any wonder that life's getting sadder? and there are some things that someday you just have to give up or being forced to do so... just like my neopet ):

i need to feel a commitment to something
and somewhere i belong.

The sun is rising @ 12:10 PM

Saturday, May 1, 2010 - :

class outing so fail. hahahaha. end up only 7 people went :O suggestion was made that next time everyone place deposit before class outing and those who don't come the deposit will be shared among the people who turn up. hahaha. two guys wore the 'i love HC' shirt and took a 'couple' picture. check facebook to know who (:

today is a fun day :D
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i just realised under my name on the blog, it's still st nicks.
maybe i'll never think of adding to it.

The sun is rising @ 8:18 PM

Thursday, April 29, 2010 - :

seems like i havent blogged for a long time ):

today i went botanical garden for bio olympaid training. i seriously don't know why i joined it in the first place when i sleep in lectures. sigh. but the practicals were fun though. swat ying and i were laughing at wen cong last week. hahaha. he bought 5 packets of beans and we didn't use them for any experiments! he looked funny when he was playing with the flowers too. hahahaha. :) you can get the picture from swat ying :)

anyway, i must have looked retarted hugging my laptop and carrying a huge bag while roaming around the botanical garden. i seriously considered abandoning my laptop among the plants. we had to fill up some weird worksheet that i didn't have the least idea of how to go about doing it. the name of the plants are seriously ridiculous... who would remember names like magnoliopsida?! met some weird people on the way too. like this model wearing some clothes made of recycled stuff? the 'skirt' was like made up of magazines that were folded into fans. she was wearing heels somemore and walking up the hill. in those weird clothes ._.wonder how she can stand it.

then we went home. me and suat ying didn't know how to get to the bus-stop so we followed some random school mates in front. somehow, we walked past NUS and some 'moe cca area'. it is actually possible to walk to botanic garden from school you know.

and
yay. weekend it coming soon! i don't know if school has became so bad that i only look forward to the weekends. i really want to do nothing for a day. hais. just want to be a slacker. i don't feel like using my brain anymore too. wonder if i even have one in the first place.

i need to get back to reality man even though my life is quite screwed.

need a miracle.

~need to get back to work again ):

The sun is rising @ 8:53 PM

Thursday, March 25, 2010 - :

i hate it when the same thing happens everyday. aren't you all tired? when will you ever grow up? i can't just pretend to build soundproofing walls when they don't exist.

hais. work are piling up and there isn't a clear button to solve it. there's like so many things to do until i don't know which to focus on. and doing a bit here and there is not the way. can't seem to remember stuff.

people whom i can talk to are so far away and end up bottling up a lot of stuff. it is horrible when you are the one who knows what's happening from many accounts. i need to learn to ignore stuff and be some insensitive freak ):

woo~~ tmr is friday! i shall make time to start building some wooden thing i bought. i shall also start saving money to buy chip too because dale is so lonely and becoming anti-social :O

The sun is rising @ 11:26 PM

Sunday, March 21, 2010 - :

full stop?

or ...

hahaha. i can't believe i actually left homework undone. maybe i'll just die tmr. great.

met up with squadmates today!!!!!!! and i think it has been a long time since i laughed so hard. melody and her 'oreo, chin chao (grass jelly), kitkat....' jokes and pung and her 'shit' jokes. HAHAHAHAHA. we all brought homework except clarissa but didn't have the mood to do them in the end though pung suggested going library :o

some things i'll never get it. i don't know why there's a need to hide. but i just came to accept that some things are that practical. whatever it is, stay away.
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no matter what, you all have won the journey.

The sun is rising @ 10:19 PM

Thursday, March 18, 2010 - :

http://easy-.dearball.cz.cc/zledixarece.html

ha. click on the link above. you'll feel lame after doing the whole thing but trust me you will keep clicking after one click (:

last Saturday was a reflective day.
so, there was this family day for the mentally disabled. when you look at them, you feel that most of the time you want too much and you ask yourself whether there's a need to want so much. For them to answer something simple to us is as difficult as us trying so hard to solve a math question. they may not be normal to us and sad to say some people will never accept them, but they seem to be happy enough to be who they really are. and they won't be forced to achieve because people don't expect them to.

everyone can be given equal rights but where you start off will never be the same, never be equal.

yea so after the cip thing went queuing for a few pens because of 25% popular discount! (: gave me a chance to grab more markers because of the mindset that it'll be cheaper if i buy then. haha. and yup the few of us took picture in 'ion' toilet because the toilet looks high class i guess? and end up looking like refugees in the picture. -shall put it on fb when i get to know my phone better (; -

then monday, i went for meet-the-people session and got to know of some common problems some people in society are experiencing now. some people just have different way of running their lives that they end up needing help. it was so hard to suppress my consistent coughing which must have been rude.

i need songs! nice food! like pasta! bag! since it's tearing at the bottom! wallet! cuz the zip is torn! slippers! my old ones broke during orientation! so many things! more sleep! more entertainment! more interesting things to happen in my life! and i want fly to australia and meet theresa!

that's a lot to ask for but for me most things are just going to end up like my wish list in the past that will never be done or fulfilled.

where am i aiming?

The sun is rising @ 8:04 PM

Monday, March 1, 2010 - :

okay so i havent really done anything productive today. i haven't been concentrating on anything ever since school started because there weren't a specific goal. you know like in sec 4, the goal was 'o's and i knew what i was doing in cca. so now in a whole new place and whole new life, it isn't surprising that im lost. maybe others have found there way through this maze but i have to say im still trying to. someone just told me that i'hv to adapt to the environment and not the other way round, i agree, but it isn't helping.

so i quitted fencing and im back to the same point from where i started. and i wonder why i am always going in circles. the major problem must be me being afraid to take risk. but how am i suppose to have the courage to do so when it seems that i always fail. things just don't go my way most of the time.

i really wonder why i am where i am now. it juxtaposes to what i said two years ago. it seems realllyy long ago.

i am real sick of making choices too because i always don't know whether the choice is correct. i guess the answers i need are still in process. but i really hope to get somewhere.

then there's certain things that are happening now that is invisible to one's eye. that's real evil i think. i mean why not just be direct?! haiz. someone's bound to get hurt in the end.

PW is real weird. im still trying to identify the problem. haiz. and can someone please teah me how to use the nlb thing.

oh no, i think i've abusing my poor laptop. it's working too hard ):

decisions...

The sun is rising @ 7:35 PM

Monday, February 15, 2010 - :

am i unwilling to try?

The sun is rising @ 9:48 PM